Sonic Generations Review

 (Originally published to Glitchwave on 7/2/2025)

[Image from glitchwave.com]

Sonic Generations

Developer: Sega, Sonic Team

Publisher: Sega

Genre(s): 3D Platformer

Platforms: Xbox 360, PS3, PC

Release Date: November 1, 2011

Let me ask everyone a hypothetical question: if your 20-year high school reunion was approaching and your life wasn’t in ideal circumstances, would you feel confident in attending? Let’s face it: the impetus of rekindling relationships from the nostalgic era of one’s adolescence in this group setting is to boast about one’s achievements since the pimply days of borrowing daddy’s car and drinking Bud Light with one’s buddies on the weekends while trying to get to second base with the cute clarinetist girl. By then, it’s likely that the vast majority of one’s classmates have earned a college degree, attained self-sustainable wealth from their careers, and reproduced offspring that could be nearing their teenage years themselves. Still, there’s always the one classmate who, despite the decades that have passed, never got their shit together. A chain of irresponsible decisions or idleness made by this person has led to an adult life characterized by self-destruction, dependence, or overall mediocrity that the rest of their former peers find pitiable instead of envious. Initially, celebrating the 20th anniversary of Sonic the Hedgehog with Sonic Generations felt like one of these bums trying to recapture their glorious past. In the world of gaming, Sonic is the epitome of “peaked in high school.” He’s as ostentatious as ever, he’s still uttering his catchphrases and antiquated lingo, and he’s probably the only person in the world who still drinks Zima. All the while, he doesn’t seem to be aware of the perpetual ire and derision he garners from the people surrounding him, who all wonder how he’s still surviving. While Sonic has fumbled numerous times over the years to degrees that would’ve sufficiently murdered any other series on sight, Sonic Colors seemed to show some clarity from the speedy wonder. Sonic’s most recent output on the Wii, which practically took a monastic approach to the blue blur’s gameplay and narrative, received a surprising streak of critical acclaim unseen since the heyday of Sega’s console reign. With the mature level of reflection that Sonic Colors exhibited, perhaps Sega’s pride and joy could pass himself off as dignified and successful for one night to mask all of the deleterious mistakes he’s made.

What I’ve ultimately been alluding to with the high school reunion parallel is the premise of Sonic Generations: a remixed, modernized collective of levels from past Sonic titles, reverting all the way back to the first Sonic game from 1991 to the entries still fresh in gamers’ memories to celebrate the blue blur’s 20th anniversary. The game gives the impression that it’s dialing things down to basics as a means of capturing the simple fidelity of classic Sonic when the player is immediately catapulted to a glossier, polygonal version of Green Hill Zone with no context. After completing the genesis point of Sonic’s two-decade career once again, we are reminded that we aren’t in the primitive days of his early pixelated era when an ominous, demonic presence appears in the sky during a cutscene. Exposition is further detailed when the scene diverts to a lankier, talkier version of Sonic being treated to a surprise birthday party by all of the notable, friendlier Sonic characters, with cake and chili dogs by the barrelful. If they had waited to celebrate the blue blur’s 21st anniversary a year later, Sonic’s compadres could’ve bought a keg, but I digress. This joyous scene is then halted when the dark presence seen previously vacuums up Sonic and his friends into a swirling, black portal, which means the celebration has to be postponed. Sonic regains consciousness in a sterile, blank dimension, and Tails deduces from the entrances to familiar territory the series has covered that they’re trapped in a fractured realm suspended across time and space. Tails also comes to the conclusion that the only way to restore balance between the universe’s vitalities is by revisiting each time period of Sonic’s past, reconnecting the severed chronological chain between them as a result. As much as the narrative conflict ultimately boils down to a glorified string of Sonic’s history, simply playing each level back to back like the opening suggested would be drier than a week-old turkey sandwich. Hey, Sonic Generations presents what is by far the neatest time travel premise the series has seen thus far, so I’ll give them credit for not convoluting this already-sensitive thematic construct like a previous entry that this game is going to contractually revisit.

Sonic Generations arguably also showcases the most restrained example of another Sonic ingredient that has been overcooked since the Genesis era, with the influx of multiple characters being injected into the mix of gameplay. While the opening cutscene displays a treasure trove of Sonic's “pals” that we’ve all controlled at some point or other, Sonic Generations, thankfully, only features two playable characters. Actually, it’s two variations of a single playable character, 2D Sonic representing the blue hedgehog’s winsome, prosperous days, and the newer 3D Sonic embodying the collective embarrassment and irrelevance of his current status. The paradoxical premise of two Sonics interacting together may sound insufferable, but the older, more cartoonishly cherubic Sonic is verbally mute due to the lack of voice acting technology in the rudimentary days of gaming. He’s also lacking the finer traces of subtle edginess he once exuded, but perhaps modern Sonic has evolved to the point where he can flaunt enough attitude for the both of them (ugh)! In addition to the clear contrast between their appearances, demeanors, and punchability, the greatest dichotomy on display between opposite spectrums of the blue blur’s timeline is the differing gameplay modes, hence why the two Sonics’ dimensional differences serve as their discerning nicknames.

As the restricted axis of pixelated gaming would dictate, 2D Sonic operates solely in the depthless, spatially-limited gameplay constrictions of two dimensions. I realize that I’ve made the 2D half of Sonic Generations seem like the lackluster, less-refined portion, but as the general gaming public will tell you, Sonic transitioning to 3D was a greater, reputation-annihilating disaster than the misguided reign of New Coke. Even though the polygonal graphics are distractingly contemporary, I find it unlikely that the Sonic purists who have been clamoring for a return to the classic flat form would chastise 2D Sonic in terms of his gameplay. The 2D Sonic seen here still erupts in a zooming burst of unmitigated speed when he charges himself with the patented “spin dash” maneuver, and attacking enemies reverts to simply bouncing on them from above in a rolled-up, spiked ball form instead of violently homing towards them. Springs, speed tubes, rollercoaster loops, arrays of vertical platforms, and other staunchly 2D Sonic setpieces litter the foregrounds of these levels, and veteran fans will equally recognize the layered level design that’s as complex and sinuous as a hyperactive hedge maze. The blast processing component of the Sega Genesis that enabled Sonic’s lightning-quick swiftness through these winding courses is no longer a relevant factor, for the technical capabilities of seventh-generation consoles have surpassed the now-quaint selling points of Sonic's debut system by units squared. Still, now that facilitating speed is a given, it's wonderful to see that the developers have channeled their efforts into rekindling the intricacies of 2D Sonic’s level design that had been relegated indefinitely to Sega’s archives when 3D became all the rage. While the lustrous graphics smack of dissonant newness, 2D Sonic’s gameplay efficiently evokes the bygone gilded era of the blue blur without question.

Then I suppose that it’s the 3D Sonic half of Sonic Generations that will inspire wincing and dispirited groans from the greater gaming community. When the long-deferred old school Sonic fans are finally granted a full-course meal of 2D Sonic levels, being forced to endure the strand of Sonic that marked his downfall will probably still deter old school veterans from humoring the game altogether. Even though they tend to be a stubborn bunch, I still implore every detractor of 3D Sonic to swallow the blue hedgehog’s more nuanced dimensional range like medicine for their own benefit. Sonic Colors instilled a strong sense of confidence that Sega had experienced a bout of introspection regarding how they were directing Sonic further into the depths of despair with every ill-conceived gimmick and inappropriately lofty narrative premise they devised, and finally decided to show a sense of humility. The sense of self-awareness that Sonic Colors conveyed extends into Sonic Generations by further refining the modern Sonic formula that Sonic Unleashed established and proverbially dragged it through broken glass at every waking moment. Like the previous Sonic entry, the developers have managed to make the newfangled boost mechanic a feasible stride in 3D Sonic’s gameplay evolution by not inflicting punishment on the player for using it. Levels that incorporate long winding tracks with obstacles seldom impeding the player’s trajectory allow Sonic to practically throw caution to the wind and burn the rubber of his sneakers to his heart’s content. When the player is zooming around like lightning and comes across a pace-breaking set piece, such as a platform, enemy, or grind rail, the momentum of the boost mechanic can be both easily halted and course corrected, so Sonic doesn’t careen off a cliff as he would for most instances of boosting in Unleashed. Not only has this instance of innovation from Unleashed been refined to nothing short of total agreeability, but the drift mechanic used to turn at sharp, angular ridges on the extensive tracks has also met a satisfying middle ground between the uncooperativeness in the title of its debut and the constricted rigidness of Colors. Ramps that would engage poorly implemented quick time events now restore Sonic’s boost gauge when he performs flashy midair poses, and chaining Sonic to a streak of enemies with the homing attack is far more precise than it has been lately. A balanced and accessible 3D Sonic is certainly commendable, but what if I told you that this degree of accommodation surpassed mere competency? One reason why former Sonic fans decry the 3D entries is that they tend to condense the levels into a more linear trek compared to the meaty 2D levels that offered alternate paths to victory. One might think that’s the inherent appeal of 2D Sonic, but the branching paths are no longer an exclusive facet of his gameplay. If the player’s reflexes are acute enough while encountering the various modern Sonic set pieces like the rainbow-colored boost rings, their impeccable skill will transport them to a quicker path to the next checkpoint with less resistance. It’s one thing for 3D Sonic’s gameplay to reach a standard of adequacy, but the fact that it's on par with its 2D counterpart in terms of level design quality is something unfathomable. The prevalence of sequences during the 3D levels that flip the camera to the X-axis may continue the argument that Colors instigated, in that the strength of the game lies in harkening back to the foundation that made Sonic a contender for gaming greatness. I’ve tended to object to this assertion, and now that 2D Sonic serves as a clear juxtaposition, I have evidence to support the claim that 3D Sonic’s periodic shifts are fundamentally different from the classic kind of Sonic’s gameplay in design and overall objective. It’s one sum of 3D Sonic’s multifaceted parts that makes the third dimension all the more intriguing, especially since it has managed to hone in on the 2D era’s secret formula for crafting exquisite levels.

The more enterprising aspect of the two types of gameplay is the levels that facilitate them, portals into Sonic’s past with a reinvigorated spark of modernity. It’s here where Sonic Generations hits that Smash Bros. synapse where veteran Sonic fans all sweat in anticipation for which Sonic level is going to receive a nip and tuck treatment. Nine previous Sonic titles are represented in the level roster of Sonic Generations, with one level per game making the cut. From the introduction, we can already conclude that “Green Hill Zone” is the representative for the first Sonic game, for omitting it in favor of any other level from that game would’ve been downright blasphemous. “Chemical Plant Zone” is naturally the contender from the first game’s sequel, for it was the level that truly succeeded “Green Hill Zone’s” formula for a fantastic Sonic bout when every other immediate successor from the same game failed miserably to capture the same magic. The original Genesis trilogy is rounded out with “Sky Sanctuary Zone,” but only if one counts Sonic & Knuckles as the second half portion of the third game on a technicality. This level arguably isn’t as iconic a pick as the former two, but I suppose its inclusion is meant to honor the homeworld of Sonic’s red, gullible echidna friend since he’s an integral character to Sonic’s pixelated prime. If there is a prevailing trend between each of these levels, it’s the exponential rate of refurbishment on display. Obviously, we’re used to seeing these areas exhibited in charming 16-bits, and Sonic, plus the greater gaming medium on the whole, has drastically advanced past the era of pixels these levels were initially designed in. Even regarding the 2D levels, all the commonality between the original versions of these levels and their depictions here is their names, similar setpiece motifs, and general aesthetic themes. Other than that, the developers have given the levels most synonymous with the Sonic series a total rehaul. Still, the developers understood the impact of these levels and treated their recreations with an admirable sense of reverence. The topography of “Green Hill Zone” is still colored with the charming checkerboard pattern of earth with the elegant green grass covering it like delicious icing on a cake, with loops, platform swings, and swirling corkscrews aplenty. “Chemical Plant Zone” still sees Sonic jetting through a series of scientific tubes in ball form and avoiding drowning in the rising, pink chemical liquid. The vertically rotating pulley bars and arcane red orbs that blast Sonic upward like a rocket are transported from the original version of “Sky Sanctuary,” and the climactic ascent up the crumbling Roman-esque tower to the finish line is recreated beautifully. The 3D sections also expand the breadth of the foregrounds and the scope of the area around the level, such as a cave with grind rails in “Green Hill” and the pronounced industrial landscape with its noxious, industry-addled sky surrounding “Chemical Plant” making the scene look as imposing as Eggmanland from Sonic Unleashed. They’re too state-of-the-art to earnestly state that they’re exactly how you remember them, but preserving enough recognizability matched with the modern flourishes is a surefire recipe to please those adamant old school fans and convince newer audiences of their prestige.

Seasoned Sonic fans may be disappointed that Sonic Generations has omitted the inclusion of a level from Sonic CD, likely due to the classic-era entry being released on a Genesis extension instead of the traditional hardware like the numerical titles. Unfortunately, slighting Sonic CD was a necessary evil to maintain the evident narrative theme of splitting Sonic’s timeline into three distinct eras. Following the “original trilogy” of Sonic titles on the Genesis leads to what we can classify as Sonic’s “middle era” with the two Adventure games and Sonic Heroes. These three earlier 3D games encapsulate my rose-tinted association with the blue blur perfectly, so this stretch of the game was naturally the one I was the most invested in. Because of my nostalgic correlation with these levels in particular, I have some discrepancies with the selections they’ve chosen as representation. Namely, Speed Highway as the delegate from the first Sonic Adventure. I would’ve picked “Twinkle Park” or “Red Mountain” due to my personal bias, but I understand that the majority of the population adore Sonic’s sixth Adventure level for the flexibility in level progression that it fosters. Maybe including “Speed Highway” feels redundant because another urban area from the same era in “City Escape” directly follows, but the SA2 representative is an unassailable pick because it’s practically the “Green Hill Zone” of my generation. While I’m content with “Seaside Hill” as the choice for Sonic Heroes, I can’t surmise a reasonable explanation why it was deemed more essential than the others from the same game. If Sonic Heroes doesn’t have what is considered to be a definitive level, then I’d at least suggest digging up “Rail Canyon” or “Lost Jungle” to reconfigure their finicky grind rail sections. Even though including the first level of Sonic Heroes seems arbitrary, the developers evidently had a spark of inspiration when repackaging the game’s introduction. Because the levels of Sonic Heroes tended to be longer than the average Sonic fare, the developers have repurposed the various set pieces that comprise the original level as the focal point of Generations’ deviating paths. At the midway point of the 3D level, the player can either hop across a series of platform islands or drive a kart down a slide with spiked urchins littering the track as deadly obstacles. The developers had also noticed that the oceanic setting of Sonic Heroes’ first level connoted that water would be an element of the foreground, so they factored it into 2D Sonic’s gameplay as a level where he treads under the drink with bubbles popping up as a source of oxygen. Still, extended time beneath the sea floor will only be relevant if the player doesn’t sufficiently reach the ideal path, as opposed to forcing them to wade sluggishly through liquid like a “Labyrinth Zone” scenario. “City Escape” allows 2D Sonic to supplement his standard movement for the automated momentum of a skateboard, while “Speed Highway” involves moving vehicles to take caution, as the intersectional roadway setting would suggest. Overall, the modernized innovation on display with this crop of levels boils down to minor gimmicks and shuffling of familiar level attributes, but that’s all that was necessary to give them a hint of discernibility from their original forms. As someone who cherishes these levels more than most people, I give their remixes my stamp of approval.

After the divisive slew of Sonic’s earliest 3D escapades, most players, myself included, will feel a pang of dread if they’re up to snuff with their Sonic history. The next three levels circle around to Sonic’s dismal present day with his self-titled slop from 2006, Unleashed, and Colors, and I can’t imagine that anyone is excited to get pummeled by these (two) interactive abortions once again. Before you jump off this ship that is presumably sinking, heed this perspective. Although the goal of Sonic Generations is to pay homage to all the Sonic games that precede it, the developers can also take this revisitation project as a golden opportunity to correct the contemporary misdeeds of Sonic the Hedgehog. If the pixelated era was characterized by a rehauling, the middle era a remixing, then the final three levels are due for a reconsideration process to salvage Sonic’s dark days. Firstly, the inherent competence of Sonic Generation’s mechanics already ameliorates the notoriously atrocious Crisis City, and now the player gets to revel in its apocalyptic, firestorm setting instead of feeling like Sega has catapulted them into the agonizing seventh circle of gaming Hell. Conversely, Unleashed’s Italian-inspired “Rooftop Run” is an exemplary fan favorite, but the grueling length of the level, matched with its propensity to spontaneously strike the player with an inexplicable obstacle or platforming snag, had me less than convinced of its outstanding reputation. Now that the original level’s attributes have been split in half between the two Sonics and the steeper platforming challenges are consigned to quicker routes as a reward, I am now exclaiming “ben fatto!” in praise of this vibrant urban cityscape that showcases the captivating iconography of Europe’s boot. Regarding the dichotomy of verdant naturalism and virulent industrialism that is “Planet Whisp” from Sonic Colors, how does one approach a level that wasn’t rife with bullshit and is so fresh in everyone’s memories that it was probably in development concurrently with Generations? Botch it to kingdom come, evidently. In the name of crafting an “appropriate” challenge for the end-game, the developers have bloated both the 2D and 3D versions of the Whisps' homeland to an unnecessarily excruciating degree that fails to capture the essence of its original incarnation. Both the spike and rocket wisps return as fully-fledged mechanics for this level, but I’d rather they transcend their callback novelty to mitigate the slog of the level they’re included in. When the levels that were formally skidmarks on Sonic’s legacy have been completely bleached to spotlessness, it’s a shame that the one level that hadn’t vomited all over the franchise is now dragging them down.

As the player progresses through the game, the white slab of oblivion that is the game’s hub blooms anew with color, or at least around the entrances of the stages to signify their completion. When an entire section is reinvigorated, a whole new slew of side objectives are unlocked on the upper floor of each stage. These pieces of secondary content consist of truncated challenges for the respective levels below them, which include a “ghost race” against a muted doppelganger of 2D Sonic, doubling 3D Sonic’s boost gauge to meet a strict time limit, quickening the offensive rate of the enemies, etc. Many of these challenges will also incorporate one of the series’ secondary characters that are saved from stasis when both of the main acts are completed. As per the condition of each character’s trademarks and relationships to Sonic, their utilization greatly varies on the scale of amusement. Hunting for treasure with Knuckles is almost adorable in execution, and Tails lending his hovering backside namesakes to propel Sonic above the toxic grounds of “Chemical Plant Zone” is as wonderful a platforming aid as has always been. On the other hand, Rogue bewitching enemies with her feminine charms compounds on her on-brand inappropriateness, and all challenges involving the members of Team Chaotix tend to be aggravating in their unique ways. Maybe it’s evidence to the claim that Sonic should’ve stopped socializing and stuck with the friends he made in his pixelated prime, but Amy’s hammer boost is one of the more tedious ones with its finicky launch meter. Even with the implementation of Sonic’s extended social group that varies in terms of tolerance, I don’t detest these additional tasks on their general merits. However, a hefty hint of annoyance occurs when I am constrained to complete at least three per section to progress the game, blowing away the circular mound of matter surrounding a key needed to literally unlock a section’s final portion. I understand that the game is too brief to warrant whatever initial price it was upon its release, but this is the most blatant instance of padding I’ve seen in quite a while.

The player must also proactively gather up the almighty chaos emeralds, but that process involves a more engaging series of objectives with fighting the game’s bosses. Similar to the levels, the daunting duels are also re-enhancements of battles from Sonic’s yesteryears. The ones that are given higher ascendancy as conclusions to a section tend to be the finishing fights for one of the representatives. The Egg Robot from the second Sonic game on the Genesis is a more multifaceted fight with Eggman’s bulky mech that allows for some damage insurance, and adding more platforms in the clash with Perfect Chaos alternates this non-Eggman-oriented final boss splendidly when the boost mechanic makes it all too effortless. Egg Dragoon is admittedly not the foe whose defeat rolls the credits of Sonic Unleashed, but allowing the player to target Eggman’s more modern mechanical marvel from two different weak points displays fantastic variation. Located alongside the side missions are “rival battles,” excursions involving antagonistic Sonic characters whose contentions relate to the blue blur often revolve around their physical similarities. I stated that Sonic CD was given the cold shoulder with its levels, but the game at least still decided to acknowledge its existence by remaking its breakneck battle with Metal Sonic. It’s probably the highlight rival battle included because the following ones against Shadow and Silver are either too confusing or demanding. When the collective power of the seven sacred gems grants the two Sonics the immensely golden glow of Super Sonic, confronting the foreboding time phantom, which is revealed to be yet another mech devised by the doubled brainpower of both Eggman and his former self, who was referred to by a different moniker, is fairly epic in scale. However, the exciting rush of facing off against the game’s final boss depletes quickly because the constant catching up to it grates on the player’s patience. Maybe this boss will prove to be better when another game is released to celebrate Sonic’s 40th anniversary? Until then, it's obvious that the final boss here is the only piece of Sonic content in Generations that wasn’t already supported by a familiar template.

Sonic Generations is a testament that no other video game character shares the same legacy as Sega’s mascot, for better or for worse. By taking the grand tour of Sonic’s storied career, we’re treated to the whirlwind of both his triumphs and tribulations, a dizzying nostalgia trip with more ups and downs than a malfunctioning elevator. However, if someone was introduced to Sonic through Generations, they’d think that Sonic’s history was smooth sailing throughout because of how the solid gameplay foundation of this “greatest hits” compilation brings about a consistent flow of high quality. Except for the mistreatment of “Planet Wisp,” Sonic Generations is both a stunning return to form for the deferred 2D gameplay that put our boy among the stars of gaming glory and the apex of the “boost formula” that defines Sonic’s current era. In fact, I’m going to boldly state that 3D Sonic’s half of Generations shines brighter over its reputable, older counterpart, and I defy all the skeptics to see this revelation for themselves. I’m glad to say that Sonic Colors was not a surprising outlier in a streak of absolute shit that Sonic had been defecating out, and Sonic Generations not only extends this pattern of good fortune, but excels beyond the winning formula of its immediate predecessor to what is possibly the gold standard of Sonic the Hedgehog all around. However, no amount of rewriting Sonic’s history can verge 2D Sonic towards the bright tomorrow that 3D Sonic promises him as he departs. Oh, Sonic…lay off the oxycodone.

Sonic Colors Review

 (Originally published to Glitchwave on 6/4/2025)

[Image from glitchwave.com]

Sonic Colors

Developer: Sonic Team

Publisher: Sega

Genre(s): 3D Platformer

Platforms: Wii

Release Date: November 12, 2010

After playing Sonic Unleashed, I stated with steadfast conviction that I would never trust any glowing praise a Sonic fan might express for one of the blue blur’s divisive 3D titles. It’s a “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me” type of scenario, and I should’ve stuck with my gut that knew playing a game where he howls at the moon was going to be dreadful from the get-go. Why, then, have I decided to dive deeper into Sonic’s hazy, post-stardom modern era with the Wii exclusive, Sonic Colors, especially since the Sonic games endemic to Nintendo’s motion-controlled system have also been known to be complete dogshit? If you read the finer notes of my statement, I said that I would no longer listen to the words of Sonic fans. Surprisingly, for the first time since Sonic’s genesis period (no pun intended), Sonic Colors was receiving genuine praise from outside his circle of disturbingly devout fans. Quite frankly, it’s easier to trust the opinions of the sports-watching, god-fearing, laid-getting common folk when it comes to Sonic, for they’d cast all of the collective passion projects on the internet involving Sonic down to the depths of Hell where it belongs. Normal people can enjoy Sonic (a demographic I undoubtedly fall under *cough* *cough*), otherwise, he wouldn’t have skyrocketed to a level of gaming stardom that rivaled Nintendo’s Italian stallion back in the 1990s. Because the sensible majority who had derided Sonic’s output since Sega bowed out of the console market were finally complimenting a new release from the blue blur, and my opinions more or less fall in line with theirs, Sonic Colors had ignited a sense of curiosity in me once again. This time, I actually wasn’t being led astray.

Sonic Colors achieves the fleeting feeling of yesteryear's adulation by dialing a few things back a bit. One aspect of Sonic’s 3D titles that I always found unsavory was writing a grandiose, hyperdramatic story to support and give context to a game’s sequence of levels. The impetus of elevating the scale of a Sonic story is to both expand the narrative potential of a Sonic adventure and match the nuanced, multidimensional range of cinematic space that 3D ushered into the medium. While attempting to grow the series and adapt to the heightened gaming climate brought about by the third dimension, stories revolving around cerebral and or profound themes of time travel, love, and the impending apocalyptic falter in execution when they’re all being driven by a cast of quippy, anthropomorphic characters whose animated designs alone compromise the intended sincerity the story is intended to evoke. One exception the series has produced that does effectively tell a more thought-provoking, emotionally resonating tale is E-102 Gamma’s story from the first Sonic Adventure, only because the robot’s arc was almost completely removed from the game's base plot involving Sonic. After shooting for the moon of cinematic spectacle and failing miserably too many times for comfort, Sonic has returned to the familiar ground of stopping Robotnik/Eggman from committing heinous acts of animal cruelty in the form of self-aggrandized industrialization. Eggman’s scheme as of late is the creation of an interstellar amusement park, another entrepreneurial venture for the awkwardly-shaped mechanical madman. Besides the fact that it continues the trend of Eggman’s properties being eccentric eyesores, the problematic portion of this establishment that obliges Sonic to intervene as always is that it’s actually a front meant to distract Sonic from his actual ambitions: a gigantic mind-control laser pointed at Earth for diabolical reasons one can probably infer for themselves. The power of this laser is being generated by an alien species referred to as “wisps,” and Sonic must liberate these colorful creatures from indentured servitude. Even if the creatures in question are fictional and intergalactic, the premise of Sonic Colors sees Sonic defending an ecosystem of small, helpless lifeforms against the torturous grasp of Eggman, similarly to his glory days on Mobius.

I adore the 3D interpretation of Sonic’s classic conundrum with Eggman (with Tails on the sidelines as the only Sonic friend to accompany him as a sign of great restraint), but several Sonic fans express feelings of dissatisfaction in regards to Sonic rekindling his roots. Specifically, they comment that the concept is beneath the blue blur now, equating Sonic Colors to the impactless, mindless thirty-minute entertainment burst of a Saturday morning cartoon. The denial dealer who sells to the collective Sonic fandom should definitely get pinched, for the dope he’s peddling is too potent for human consumption. Admittedly, Sonic has shown to be an adequate cinematic property only in recent years, far after the release of Sonic Colors. Up until that point and in the years that followed, how many incarnations of a Sonic cartoon series have there been? I rest my case. It’s more than evident that a blue hedgehog stopping the plans of an evil genius is suited for an episodic, early-weekend morning timeslot on television. Playing devil’s advocate for a bit, I can at least sympathize with their complaints that Sonic Colors perhaps lays on the wacky lightheartedness associated with a children’s cartoon series a little too thick. Sonic is more obnoxious than ever, uttering an eye-rolling line of levity intended to be a clever joke at every waking moment. He’s intended to be charmingly witty and confident, but in reality, he’s a loathsome dork. The “baldy nosehair” descriptor of Eggman from the mistranslated words of Sonic and Tails’ wisp friend, Yacker, lives in infamy as an appallingly awful “comedic” line from this game, and the person who wrote this line thinking it would be as funny as Sonic did should be brought to swift and merciless justice. Eggman also has two diminutive, incompetent robot cronies following him around, just like in the first Sonic cartoon series, who are also not as mirthful as their writers seem to think. One moment of genuine amusement from this game came from a Taxi Driver reference, quoting his famous line of isolation because his malfunctioning voice chip was set to “New Yorker.” The constant stream of sophomoric kookiness can grate on the nerves of any player over a single-digit age range. Still, one has to admit that this sort of atmosphere is more appropriate for Sonic than one of epic melodrama.

Beyond the surface that is admittedly hard to stomach at times, most of the remaining elements of Sonic Colors are delightful. Firstly, for a place whose purpose is to deceive Sonic and probably a few major Earth nation governments, Eggman has created quite the vibrant and eclectic theme park. Its eclecticism stems from the fact that the tethered coalition of six planets isn’t limited to collectively recreate Six Flags in space. Each planet that functions as Sonic Colors’ worlds exhibits its own distinct theme based on a recreational establishment that requires a sum of money to attend. The first world that the player is propelled into at the start is a tropical resort, evoking the laidback aura that compels people to drink their weight in pina coladas. “Sweet Mountain” is literally the Land of Chocolate from The Simpsons that Dream Land from the Kirby series has often taken visual inspiration from, and “Aquarium Park” is a series of fairly competent water levels with a wondrous aquatic zoo as their consistent foreground. Combining “Starlight Carnival” and “Asteroid Coaster” would result in the faithful, typical representation of an amusement park, but since they are separated, the former is a vivid display of neon lights and fireworks, while the latter is a bodacious rollercoaster that operates through an oozing array of space rocks. Eat your heart out, Twinkle Park. Planet Wisp, the arboreal home of Eggman’s energy source, is the only world that doesn’t clearly fit the theme, unless someone wants to argue that camping or hiking elicits as much merriment as the themes of the other worlds. Still, “Planet Wisp” is a highlight that contrasts the otherworldly, organic glow of the environment with the ugly, mechanical adulteration of Eggman’s operations superbly. While the diversity between the worlds is outstanding and their respective aesthetics are captivating, the individual levels that comprise these worlds are unfortunately not created equal. The levels are constructed in a linear thread similar to the Super Mario Bros. 3 template, with the world’s boss leading Sonic to a climactic dead end. Each world features approximately six levels before Sonic fights one of Eggman’s robotic contraptions to cap it off, but the issue is that some of these levels are reasonably lengthy, and some are short excursions tied down by a single platforming gimmick like the moving spring pad. It’s reminiscent of how Sonic Unleashed’s worlds pronounced the enormity of the first level while featuring more only as secondary larks, but the first levels of that game were long and arduous enough to span the length of an entire world in Sonic Colors. When Sonic Colors follows the same pattern, there is a disappointing sense of unevenness.

When comparing Sonic Colors to Unleashed, the fact that Colors is a Wii exclusive presents a giant, Egg-Carrier-sized elephant in the room. It’s common knowledge that there was another version of Unleashed on the Wii that was forced to cut much of the content from its HD equivalent, resulting in a radically different product that most people consider to be less-than-definitive. While decreasing the visual fidelity to a modest standard definition and streamlining the hubs for the Wii version of Unleashed may present an argument that Sonic should stray away from Nintendo’s motion-controlled money maker (the dreadful storybook games also adding evidence to this), some feel that a silver lining to subduing Unleashed was that the game was not as marred by the HD version’s ambitions. Sonic Colors is a game marked by restraint, but not compromise. Surprisingly, Sonic Colors managed to continue Unleashed’s modern template for Sonic’s gameplay even on a technically inferior system. Unleashed’s ultimate stride in Sonic innovation with its boost feature persists in Colors, and the nature of manually scraping the sound barrier as Sonic has been streamlined, so the player isn’t punished nearly as often for using this calamitous mechanic. Drifting through curved bends on the tracks is made far more manageable here because Colors offers a break option that slightly interrupts momentum for smoother turning. All the while, reducing the breakneck blast that the boost feature facilitates never feels jaggedly minimized to ensure that the player doesn’t haphazardly kill the blue blur at any point they use this mechanic. Colors also reworks the implementation of Unleashed’s in-level collectibles, swapping for red rings in lieu of contrasting sun and moon medals no longer having any thematic relevance. Besides the shift in color, their significance has also been altered to being completely optional to collect, negating the tedious, pace-breaking slog of having to gather up an inordinate amount of them to progress through the game. Still, it’s recommended that the player make a modicum of effort to collect these rings, for they are in plain sight of the medals from Unleashed and lead the player towards alternate paths in the levels that likely wouldn’t have been discovered otherwise. Overall, the changes that Colors makes to Unleashed’s gameplay formula aren’t the result of having to dilute the high-definition elements of its predecessor due to an inhibited console. Having these alterations here in Colors shows that these quality-of-life enhancements are a product of deep developer consideration that could’ve been implemented on any piece of hardware. On the subject, the quick-time events that plagued Unleashed have been altered entirely into a simple few presses of a single button when Sonic zooms off a ramp. Halle-fucking-lujah.

One might ask if the Wii’s patented motion controls are implemented into Colors in any capacity, and if they are, to what extent does their irritation stem from too much involvement? Fortunately, Colors limits the central gimmick of its hardware to one shake to summon each of the wisp powers. When Sonic runs into a capsule on the track, the wisp inside will grant him their respective powers that add to the depth and variety of Colors’ gameplay. A cyan-color wisp will allow Sonic to dart around a level at immeasurable speeds like a fired laser, stopping the gameplay momentarily so the player can methodically aim its trajectory. A yellow wisp introduced in “Sweet Mountain” allows Sonic to drill through the flaky crust underneath his feet, while an orange rocket propels Sonic vertically into the air in a matter of seconds. Platforming complications can be rectified by either a pink wisp that allows Sonic to climb up walls (like Knuckles) and over spikes (not like Knuckles) or melt the solid foundation of blue blocks into collectible coins with the pink and blue wisps, respectively. The green wisp that transforms Sonic, which allows Sonic to hover at a manageable pace, is quite awkward for its booger-shaped blobbery and how it bounces when it hits an object, and assigning it as the only way Sonic can execute the ring dash, a 3D Sonic requisite, is inexcusable. While the “hover wisp” is the least satisfactory of the bunch, the sinisterly purple “frenzy” wisp is my favorite for its allowance for Sonic to become a rabid animal and expand in size with every object and enemy it chomps on. Somehow, the power of this “corrupt” wisp feels more dangerous and wild than Sonic’s werewolf persona. I appreciate the variety of powers that each wisp offers, and am grateful that these delicate little space buggers are returning the favor to Sonic after he frees them from captivity. Still, using the wisp powers practically feels entirely incidental to certain moments in the level, unlike the boost feature, which can be used on a whim to skillfully augment the standard rate of Sonic’s trajectory. Maybe the wisps feel somewhat gimmicky because they tend to be the dominant mechanic for some of the briefer levels, highlighting the claim of their incidental nature even further.

Perhaps the wisps would feel like a stronger, more clever inclusion into Sonic Colors if they were a prominent key to defeating the bosses, like an item gained in a Zelda dungeon. Really, anything would’ve been appreciated in sprucing up the paltry selection of bosses that Colors displays. In essence, Colors features three boss battles, a robotic eye in a hamster wheel arena, a ship captain, and a flying frigate that Sonic chases and dismantles piece by piece. These three are repeated once more for the later worlds with marginal differences in difficulty and arena conditions. Not only does the repetition grate on the player, but the general ease of these bosses compounds the lukewarm feelings to total apathy. Some of the wisps are included in these bouts, but why would I use them when Sonic’s base moveset will prove to be just as effective, and quicker, I might add, in dispatching them? The only admirable boss fight in Colors is the climactic one with Eggman’s Nega-Wisp, who uses the powers of the wisps to combat Sonic as opposed to the inverse scenario. While this lengthy duel against Eggman is more substantial than the bosses leading up to it, as a final boss should ideally be, chasing it while avoiding its firepower reminds me of many bosses from Unleashed. Dare I say, but I’ve realized that the ones from the previous game proved to be more exhilarating and offered a heftier challenge. When an aspect from Unleashed proves to be better, it should embarrass Colors even more to have neglected the one factor, considering how many of Unleashed’s attributes it improves upon.

I’ve come to the realization after exploring Sonic’s gameography (is this a real term?) that it's a series that exemplifies the career arc of a rockstar more than any other series in gaming. It reveled in the excess that came with success in its prime period, and crashed mighty hard when its label (Sega’s console market) dropped them. Games like its 2006 self-titled and Sonic Unleashed were a period where tabloids took a humiliating snapshot of Sonic’s burnt-out malaise, which concerned former fans who remembered his former glory. After hitting rock bottom, meditating on the source of his problems, and going to rehab to halt his ego-trip, Sonic Colors is the product of the blue hedgehog’s newfound sobriety. Admittedly, it exhibits aspects that I find either underwhelming or unsavory, but the high notes of Sonic Colors more than match any of the best moments from the series’ glory days. Hopefully, Sonic won’t relapse into its tendencies for broken, unfeasible ambitions again and continue this unexpected instance of high quality into a streak that will save the hedgehog from continuing to dig the grave it almost fell into *ahem.*

Sonic Unleashed Review

(Originally published to Glitchwave on 2/26/2025)

 

[Image from glitchwave.com]

Sonic Unleashed

Developer: Sega

Publisher: Sega

Genre(s): 3D Platformer, Beat 'em Up

Platforms: PS3, Xbox 360

Release Date: November 20, 2008

The silver lining in playing the eponymous 2006 Sonic game is that any one of the blue blur's titles will seem like a breath of fresh air in comparison. Now that the worst is out of the way, it's time to let my guard down and treat myself to a bonafide Sonic delight...with the game where he transforms into a werewolf…

*sigh* Well, I didn’t say that every Sonic game released after his stinking self-titled 3D game was a masterpiece. The blue blur’s near future peeking over the horizon was brighter, but only marginally so, like the blackness of night reverted back to the dim shade of dusk instead of the shining radiance of a new morning. Naturally, everyone knows that the waning light of evening shade is not bright enough to have a picnic. While Sonic Unleashed did not plunge down to the abyssal cesspit of gaming’s greatest failures like the HD Sonic game before it, it still didn’t redeem Sonic in the eyes of the general gaming public. All it did was supply more verifiable proof that Sonic should’ve been buried alongside Sega’s other stalwart series when their tenure in the console market had fizzled out, even in spite of Sonic’s higher status as a revered gaming celebrity. Since Sonic Unleashed made the stain that Sonic 06 imprinted on the franchise more salient, it’s been given the same retrospective treatment that all of the other once-slandered 3D Sonic games have been blessed with. It is now a lauded cult classic amongst the delusionally dutiful Sonic fans, receiving genuine praise in hindsight rather than the polite leeways given to his 2006 effort (using the term pejoratively). Upon noticing that these 3D Sonic games that were once perceived as pisspoor were garnering new assessments with so much time passed, I still remained skeptical regarding Sonic 06. I attempted to appreciate the finer details of its level design and ambitious narrative, but every time I tried to stop and smell the roses, the game ravaged me mercilessly like a randy roadside trucker. Of course, I never let my guard down, so I was never too disappointed. However, with Sonic Unleashed, I fully trusted the fans’ laudation, and I was foolish enough to believe them. I’ll certainly never do that again.

From every initial impression, everyone can plainly see that the primary driving force/gimmick of Sonic Unleashed’s conceptual identity is that Sonic periodically transforms into a mangier, toothier version of himself that resembles a beast from mythical werewolf lore. How did Sonic come in contact with a howling, nocturnal terror, and how did it catch up with him to sink its teeth into his flesh? The game’s introduction reveals that Sonic was not afflicted with the werewolf curse in the traditional fashion. Instead, the fate befell him when he meddled with Eggman’s newest scheme. Similarly to Sonic 06, Sonic Unleashed felt it necessary to start the story with Eggman engaging in some new nefarious deed, only for it to be momentarily halted by Sonic’s heroism. However, where Sonic won the battle in Sonic 06’s introduction while the war waged on, the falling action of Unleashed’s opening sequence sees Sonic undergo more blowback than ever. Eggman manages to trap Sonic in an electrical vice that saps all of his Super Sonic energy, and the mix of anger and anguish somehow results in Sonic’s hair and teeth growing exponentially. Since Sonic is subdued, Eggman can carry on with his plans, which involve firing a colossal energy cannon onto a planet that divides it into fragments. After he succeeds, he disposes of Sonic like trash by releasing the oxygen valve of his spaceship, blasting Sonic into the infinite plain of the universe. Unleashed has evidently taken a note from Super Mario Galaxy and showcased the high stakes of the story by illustrating that evil can win and our intrepid protagonist can be smote. It’s an especially humbling scene for Sonic, for he’s got a reputation for being the cockiest sumbitch in the gaming medium. His friends aren’t in the vicinity to avenge him, and he can’t harness the power of “chaos control” to teleport himself to safety. His doom seems sealed here, and it's sure to strike a chord in the Sonic fanbase.

Of course, we know full well that Sonic cannot be permanently vanquished, much less in an opening cutscene. Still, Eggman rupturing an entire planet sets a grim precedent that suggests Sonic will have his work cut out for him once he recuperates. Conveniently, Sonic is sucked into the gravitational pull of the shattered globe and lands briskly on the soil of the land of Apotos where he is greeted by a mysterious, furry pixie creature that he dubs “Chip.” Roaming around the hub of the hilly valley, the player might notice that this land shares several architectural similarities with the country of Greece. The stark similarities are no coincidence, as the collective of Unleashed’s levels/hubs are concretely modeled after real-world locations. Every subsequent 3D Sonic game distanced him further away from his home planet of Mobius and leaned Sonic closer towards integrating with humanity, and catapulting the blue blur into a simulacrum of our beloved Earth is about as close he’s going to get to vicariously interacting with the player. Personally, it’s a little too close for comfort. When Sonic flies out of Apotos on Tails’ biplane, every destination afterwards demonstrates the same discernible parallels to the same degree as the first area. Africa is represented twice on the world map, with Shamar representing the northern, Arabic Middle Eastern section and Mazuri the vast savannah of the Serengeti. For more urban locales, Spagonia is evidently Italy with its Euro-romantic atmosphere, while Empire City is an on-the-nose depiction of the congested cityscape of New York City. Chun-nan is unmistakably China, but I cannot say for certain whether or not Adabat is also another strip of Asia or an island nation in the Pacific. The frigid Holoska irks me a bit, for there is no place on Earth where penguins and indigenous Eskimo people coexist. Still, I quite enjoyed my time playing “Where in the world is Sonic the Hedgehog?” Globetrotting around the uncanny, cartoonish mirror image of our world evidently provides enough diversity without having to tap into the exhausted roulette of typical elemental tropes found across most games in the platformer genre. Plus, Sonic being placed among the humans in this game isn’t as off putting as it was in the hub of Soleanna because the NPCs are also rendered to be as animated looking as Sonic. The areas are, without a doubt, the most inspired and interesting aspect of Sonic Unleashed.

But how do these comparatively domestic locales fare as Sonic levels? Quite beautifully, actually. With great consideration, Sega has managed to reconfigure the exhilarating spectacle of something like Green Hill Zone or Lost World in an environment that is somewhat confined to real-world parameters. Greece is already a picturesque country in the real world, so imagine ripping through grind rails above its crisp blue waters while its postcard-worthy landscapes are situated as backdrops. The same sense of wonder and amazement that comes with zooming through a divine urban environment is exuded to the same extent in Spagonia, with the clocktower as the centerpiece of the action that is a blast to scale upward and downward with Sonic’s outstanding velocity. Holska’s thick walls of ice serve as perfect tracks for ice luge segments, and after sliding down the frosty channels, Sonic scales the backside of a gigantic arctic whale before being jetted into the sky by the stream of water ejected from its blowhole. Running through the winding dragon constructs in Chun-nan is a fantastic integration of regional set pieces in the level design, and coasting through the Brooklyn Bridge in seconds in Empire City is a cathartic achievement for any American such as myself. For settings that are seemingly confined to elements of the real world, Sega has managed to make the most ostentatious Sonic levels the series has ever seen. However, the selection is a bit top-heavy as every level I’ve described is the first act of three. I’m thankful that the mandatory level that progresses the game is the tour de force, but every level in the same area that follows is an unsubstantial, smaller reshaping of what the player has already experienced.

However, the breathtaking exhilaration that comes with each level is significantly diminished by Sonic’s gameplay. Every Sonic fan who adores Unleashed claims that its stages are faultless, but I’ve discovered several refutes to their assessments that are too numerous to count. One particular innovation on Sonic’s gameplay that debuts in Unleashed is the boost mechanic. Provided Sonic has enough rings, holding down a certain button on the controller will hasten his maximum speed to a precarious degree unseen in any previous Sonic title. Any seasoned Sonic fan will know that precariousness with Sonic will often lead to calamity, which happened far too often in Unleashed for me to appreciate the breakneck pace that the game fosters. Given that Unleashed is still a platformer like all of the Sonic titles before it, one can assume that there are obstacles intended to impede the progress of the player, and failing to navigate through said obstacles will often result in an untimely death via sharp arrays of spikes or falling down bottomless pits. With Sonic constantly blazing through these levels at the unparalleled rate of speed that Unleashed sanctions, one can imagine how common an occurrence it is that the player will haphazardly kill Sonic when confronted with more complicated terrain that they couldn’t have possibly anticipated. Not only is the likelihood of Sonic’s demise increased by the mismatching of speed and methodical jumping, but it's bound to happen countless times because there are so many instances of these deadly platforming buffers scattered throughout each level. Sonic has to slow to a crawl to turn through a particularly sharp bend of highway road in Empire City because the drift mechanic is incredibly tanky, and the grind rail sections tend to thwart the player by sticking a ball of spikes on the end of a line that fatally trip Sonic into the abyss if the player doesn’t course correct in a literal split second. Immediately as Sonic prepares to rush into Adabat, navigating through the boardwalk right at the very beginning involves dashing over wooden flooring designed diagonally like a crossword puzzle at a speed so reckless that Sonic should be fined a ticket for endangering himself. A challenging section that tests the player’s proficiency with the quick step mechanic is appropriate for a later level, but does it have to take place during the first few seconds of the level before the player has time to take their first breath? Even if the player is shrewd enough to catch the intermittent platforming sections that shift the perspective slightly, carefully placing Sonic on the platforms with precision is not guaranteed. Sonic’s overall control, no matter the context, always has the antsy acceleration to it like he’s itching to blast off, so slipping off the platforms with his eagerness is also a likely scenario that is bound to aggravate the player. Course correcting with the homing attack is also not an option anymore, thanks to the boost mechanic. And here I thought that 3D Sonic remedied the recurring issue that classic Sonic had with imperceptible obstacles stalling Sonic dead in his tracks. Did Sega not think that sprinting through loops bouncing all over as Sonic wasn’t stimulating enough? If the boost mechanic were present with the level design from either Sonic Adventure title, it would be heavenly. Alas, placing constant impediments in front of Sonic at Mach speed is pure hell, making for the most brutally unyielding, memorization-intensive Sonic game to date. The player should not be forced to master a level just to finish it.

If I have found so many grievances with what is perceived as the solid half of Unleashed’s gameplay, imagine the vitriol I’m going to spew in regards to the other half of the game that even the game’s enthusiasts can’t earnestly defend. In disregard of storied werewolf logic, every nightly eclipse of the sun by the moon, no matter its shape, transforms Sonic into his grizzlier counterpart. Instead of rolling around at the speed of sound, Werewolf (sorry, “werehog”) Sonic’s levels are slower-paced beat ‘em up sections, scratching and gnashing at armies of foes and racking up hit combos in the process. The languidness of the werewolf sections also gives way to incorporating puzzles and platforms of a more methodical variety. Truthfully, the night sections of Unleashed are an honest-to-God homage to God of War. Not only should the beat ‘em up combat ring familiar, but Unleashed also adopts idiosyncrasies specific to Sony’s ancient Greek epic, with quick time events and balance beams galore. I’d like to add that these particular attributes are not exactly upstanding merits to God of War’s gameplay, so imagine how poorly they are executed in Unleashed’s imitation of them. Similar to Kratos, Werehog Sonic is an elephant constantly being forced to climb a tree. He's a strapping creature capable of mass destruction, expected to perform feats out of his physical element. Even with the innate ability to double jump, Werehog Sonic couldn’t even dunk on a driveway basketball hoop. Every leap to another platform should involve a frantic tapping of the button that latches Sonic onto the edges, for it’s the only way to ensure that his lack of acrobatic skill, matched with the finicky target system, won’t result in Sonic screaming his head off as he falls to his untimely death. Any section involving climbing poles is especially aggravating, for the directional controls seldom cooperate with the player’s intended trajectory for jumping off. As for Werehog Sonic’s forte of beat ‘em up combat, it’s fairly adequate. The Werehog will alternate between light and heavy attacks with his strangely elastic arms between two buttons, and the effectiveness of his punches and scratches can be increased with the yellow, floating spinning tops accumulated through defeating enemies in a menu that appears upon completing a level. Werehog Sonic can also ignite a fury mode of sorts with enough auxiliary energy that will allow him to tear through Eggman’s rotund robots and the shadowy lizard creatures like a buzzsaw through a log. The Werehog’s shield only having a finite amount of uses is absolute bullshit, however. While the combat itself is fine, it greatly wears out its welcome due to each Werehog level presenting a consecutive stream of battle bouts per level. Because the Werehog is Sonic’s slower alter ego, each of his levels takes approximately 20-30 minutes to finish on average, five to six times the run time of a regular Sonic level. Even the alternate gameplay of other characters in previous Sonic games didn’t prolong their levels to that sluggish extent. On the subject of 3D Sonic’s tendency to incorporate other variations of gameplay, the Werehog by far presents the greatest dichotomy to the widest and worst degree. The formula of repetitive combat sequences with rigid and awkward platforming segments turning the tedium into utter frustration always proved to be a full-on assault to my patience and well-being. The Werehog levels make me want to shoot Sonic with a silver bullet to put him out of his misery, or shoot myself with one if it's the quicker method to stop playing these godforsaken levels.

To add insult to injury, there were plenty of intermission moments in between the action stages because said stages were inaccessible. Out of the player’s peripheral vision in either the action stages or the hubs, one might notice some tokens scattered about with either a sun or crescent moon pattern painted on them. If one assumes that these collectibles are an optional lark, one had better think again. Collecting the medals of contrasting cosmic bodies is paramount to progression, and the later levels in the game require an outrageous amount to unlock them. Sonic’s gameplay has always somewhat fit the classification of a platformer, but never the collectathon subfaction of them for reasons that should be obvious. Gathering all of these circular trinkets is somewhat appropriate for the Werehog stages, for the slower pace of his gameplay gives him ample opportunity to digress from progression to search meticulously. However, sun medals are far more common and plentiful than the moon ones in the Werehog stages while the opposite is true for Sonic during the daytime. In order to access the Werehog stages, the game seriously expects Sonic to divert from his path of perilously blazing through the stage to stop and consider the possibility that a medal might be located in an inconspicuous corner. As expected, halting Sonic’s momentum this drastically is counterintuitive to his distinguishing, speedy gameplay. Besides the nonsensical manner in which these medals are collected, having to uncover over one hundred of each type of medal to gain passage to every level the game offers is ludicrous and turns the game into a grinding regimen. The ordeal is so vexing and wearisome that it provides more reason to cock the hypothetical gun I mentioned in the last paragraph.

Once the player manages to persevere through the medal collecting process and survive every action stage, they still won’t be ready to face the challenges that arise in Unleashed’s climax. After the second and equally unmemorable segment of flying Tails’ biplane, Sonic will be confronted with the fresh fruits of Eggman’s labor. Since Eggman could continue his business after momentarily smiting Sonic in the introduction, his uninterrupted schedule has allowed him to create a passion project he’s mentioned many times before. “Eggmanland” is the sprawling city in the doctor’s image that he always sought to construct, a gaudy industrial theme park drenched in a sleazy, nightlife neon. Sonic must wipe this abominable metropolis off the map by navigating through it as Unleashed’s climactic level, and it’s one hell of a grandiose finale. In saying this, the intended context I’m trying to illustrate with the scope of Eggman Land is that it’s an endurance test to end all endurance tests. Six segments divide the total length of Eggmanland’s run time, alternating between regular Sonic and his beastly form. Besides the upset of the tides that are bound to transpire with the abrupt hourglass switches, every segment that comprises the run time of Eggmanland features what are undoubtedly the most brutal gameplay segments across Unleashed’s play time. Platforming as the Werehog on pipes overlooking a river of lava takes extreme precision to keep him from smoldering to a crisp, and the bombardment of Eggman’s robots antagonizing Werehog Sonic is far more overwhelming to confront than any combat encounters in previous levels. Normal Sonic isn’t off the hook either, as the cheeky Eggman bumpers have strict hitboxes and the luge section is fit for an Olympic event. The quick time events that correlate with the wall jumps here require such lightning-fast reaction time that I resorted to pausing the game to prepare. No comment. With the player’s ego being curb-stomped at every waking moment in Eggmanland, what makes this unmitigated onslaught particularly maddening is that all six segments aren’t registered as individual acts. The approximate time to complete all six segments that comprise Eggmanland can take anywhere between 45 minutes to *over a fucking hour* to complete. I guess this nightmare of a level should be expected when Eggman’s evil ambitions finally come to fruition, and it makes for what is definitively the most grueling and punishing Sonic level in existence–even among contenders like Labyrinth Zone and Cannon’s Core. Whoever at Sega devised this fuckness should be put on trial for committing a crime against humanity.

When the player eventually receives a hint of relief upon finishing Eggmanland, Unleashed refuses to put the brakes on the game’s unrelenting momentum. Up until Eggmanland, one aspect of Unleashed that I quite enjoyed was the boss battles, whose fights barricaded the entrance to the temples. Denting Eggman’s various animal mechs was an absolute thrill that utilized Sonic’s newfound, blisteringly-fast speed better than the actual levels leading up to them, and the game even managed to produce some engaging bosses with the Werehog’s beat ‘em up gameplay despite how many quick time events were included to ruin them. Eggman’s last hurrah with the Egg Dragoon is also a fine inclusion to finish off the mad doctor’s newest roulette of mechs, and I wish it were the final duel of Unleashed.

Eggman’s impetus for cracking open the earth with a concentrated blast was to awaken a sinister entity called Dark Gaia, prophetically foretold to obliterate the world once every ten millennia. Because Eggman has prematurely disturbed this harbinger of the apocalypse in an effort to control it, he’s ready to erase the world as we know it. As per the thematic constructs of Unleashed, there has to be a benevolent counterpart to Dark Gaia’s malevolence, and the opposite on that spectrum is none other than Chip. The embodiment of goodwill in its premature form as a furry little pixie creature makes sense…I think. In the final moments of Unleashed, Chip finally starts contributing to the narrative and combats his evil twin by forming a giant stone golem to duke it out in epic kaiju fashion. The rinse and repeat process of steadily flying towards him as he pelts Chip’s rock-em sock-em boulder man with meteors and laser blasts deviates from any other form of Sonic gameplay so radically that it's inappropriate for it to culminate in the climax. When Sonic has the opportunity to close in on Dark Gaia and the gameplay reverts back to something familiar, the requirements to deliver the critical blows to Dark Gaia are so strict that it's bound to deplete as many lives as Eggmanland. Even when the game features the obligatory Super Sonic section, destroying Dark Gaia’s snakes while minding Chip’s health simultaneously barely acts as the simple period that finalizes the adventure. Being invulnerable is what makes him super! Dark Gaia kept proverbially dunking my head underwater after I almost drowned in Eggmanland’s unwavering brutality, and I couldn’t have been more relieved when it was finally over.

From this day forward, all praise that Sonic fans espouse regarding the blue blur’s 3D output will be falling on deaf ears. I’m convinced that Sonic fans only adore the speedy spectacle that comes with the whirlwind flight that comes with daytime Sonic, and I can’t deny that it’s intoxicating. However, getting swiftly kicked in the yarbles with the countless lethal obstacles interrupting that rush is not my definition of fun. Needless to say, I’m also echoing the sentiment that the Werehog stages are a slog, so both gameplay styles in Unleashed pissed me off in equal measure. Add a mandatory grinding mechanic to the narrative that is ultimately arbitrary in the grand scheme of things, plus a level that encapsulates what gaming damnation likely is, and Sonic Unleashed changes from a curiosity to a source of offense and befuddlement at its newfound acclaim. It’s at least better than Sonic 06, but this is not a metric that future Sonic games should strive for. Hell, if Sonic 06 had that valuable time to marinate into a competent product, it probably would’ve been better than Sonic Unleashed.

Sonic the Hedgehog (Sonic '06) Review

 (Originally published to Glitchwave on 11/21/2024)

[Image from glitchwave.com]

Sonic the Hedgehog (Sonic '06)

Developer: Sega/Sonic Team

Publisher: Sega

Genre(s): 3D Platformer

Platforms: Xbox 360, PS3

Release Date: November 14, 2006

If you knew the lengths I went through in order to play this game, you’d think that I was fucking insane. Missing out on Sonic’s big leap to the seventh generation of gaming initially felt like being too sick to attend the school field trip to Six Flags. You can imagine my disappointment that the blue blur’s next big release during the era of my childhood where I still harbored a genuine enthusiasm for Sega’s speedy mascot was going to be released exclusively to two separate, brand-spanking-new consoles that were too rich for my parent’s blood–even for the most prosperous Christmases. Alas, as history tells it, not experiencing Sonic the Hedgehog, or “Sonic ‘06’” as it’s colloquially known, at its launch when I was ten was a fortunate happenstance akin to being absent on the day of a school shooting. The self-titled 3D Sonic was not that satisfying successor to the two Sonic Adventure games that I had yearned for after Sonic Heroes left me jilted with its shifting of the Sonic formula: it was a categorical disaster of inconceivable proportions and a record-breaking low for the franchise that caused irrevocable damage. The game may share the moniker of a once-respected video game series, but this game is commonly uttered under the same breath as the all-time losers of the medium like E.T. and Superman 64. Yes, it’s that bad. By the time I owned an Xbox 360 in 2009, I was thirteen and my interest in Sonic had waned in favor of more mature interests like boobs and heavy metal (and my gaming habits were contingent on the trends of online multiplayer first-person shooters because of my friends on XboxLive as well), so I couldn’t be bothered to listen to the warning of a soul-crushingly awful Sonic game anyway. When the “social era” of gaming had come and gone and my inclinations became entirely independent, my Xbox 360’s disc drive became kaputt again and I did not bother going through the arduous and time-consuming process of fixing it as I had done five times already. Sonic ‘06 was and still isn’t available on the Xbox One’s backwards-compatible catalog, so the opportunity to give into the temptation of playing Sonic ‘06 was voided. That is until I purchased a used PS3 to experience the exclusives endemic to that system and realized that Sonic ‘06 was also released for the alternate seventh-generation console that I passed on at the time. One quick visit to Ebay and voila–the infamous Sonic ‘06 was in my possession as well as the functional hardware that supports it. One might be dumbfounded at the painstaking effort I went through to play a game that had evidently escaped my grasp due to divine circumstances for so many years, but I could not in good conscience skip Sonic ‘06 after reviewing every 3D Sonic game up to it. Like a prostate exam, I had to bend over and accept the pain, even though the game’s shockingly inexcusable quality makes this metaphorical health examination especially painful like it’s being conducted by Lou Ferrigno.

Despite the notorious reputation Sonic ‘06 has garnered, it isn’t to say that the game is totally bereft of any admirable qualities, which might be my continual thesis for this game as the review progresses. Firstly, the opening cinematic that begins Sonic’s campaign is nothing short of stunning. The evening glow of dusk and the skybound sparkle of fireworks gleaming off of the flowing water surrounding this intricately-designed urban landscape is a sight to behold, and the scope of the scene couldn’t have been achieved on the sixth-generation consoles that I owned when the game was released. High definition, indeed. All of this striking visual flair on display is for the purpose of detailing the conflict catalyst that spurs the game’s events, which obviously involves Dr. Eggman/Robotnik in some capacity. This time around, the bulbous robotics genius with the mustache that rivals the length of the average person’s arm span is harassing a red-headed girl named Elise, a princess in a royal family that governs the city setting. What could be the reason for Eggman’s fierce intimidation towards this girl who has never caused him any harm? A chaos emerald, of course–particularly the one she wears around her neck that Eggman needs to uncover some sort of mythical treasure that the universe houses. The princess of Soleanna doesn’t face the consequences for hesitating in complying towards Eggman’s aggressive orders to hand it over, for Sonic duly interrupts the doctor’s schemes as scheduled. Sonic escapes the ruined ceremony with Elise in his arms, but he quickly loses her to Eggman’s gigantic mech with kinetic opposable fingers. Sonic’s rescue mission may have been all for naught, but what he did accomplish without compromise is the swift proficiency he used to trounce Eggman’s robot fleet in the introductory cutscene. The high-definition fluidity of the cinematic action during the cutscene is Sonic at his most badass. It’s another mark of incredible presentational prowess this game bestows, and I’ll bet the Deviantart faction of the Sonic fandom was creaming their jeans upon seeing it for the first time.

Another compliment I will pay to Sonic ‘06 regarding its HD presentation is that the human characters in the game are equally as graphically refined as their surroundings. Or, at least they look impressive in a vacuum. Elise is a contentious character in the greater Sonic universe for a myriad of valid reasons, but the innocent and cherub-cheeked visage of a young princess is accurately portrayed with this enhanced visual fidelity. In brief, the core issue revolving around this character is that her relationship with Sonic is creepy. Sure, the classic “knight in shining armor” dynamic that Sonic has with Elise certainly calls for some romantic palpability, but I bet the ancient epic writers of yore never anticipated that their archetypal story structures would ever include a blue, anthropomorphic hedgehog in the heroic role. Such an idea would be perceived as a crime against humanity. Obviously, their relationship never verges into obscene beastiality territory, but even the slight hints at a budding romance between Sonic and Elise are enough to throw off my appetite. Lock up your daughters, guys, because Sonic the Hedgehog is on the prowl looking to press his gloves up against their bodies in an intimate embrace. Gross.

The interspecies love between girl and hedgehog is also indicative of a prevalent problem with the human characters of Sonic ‘06. Each of the human NPCs are rendered with an intricate amount of detail that would be impressive for any video game, but they look off-putting contrasted with the cartoonish Sonic and his furry friends. The presence of human characters in the Sonic franchise became prevalent in the 3D era, but they’ve been tolerable up until now. Sonic Adventure 2 relegated them to the occasional cutscene, and the denizens of Station Square in the first Sonic Adventure resembled that of plastic dolls rather than flesh and blood people. Eggman is the sole human character with a consistent presence in the Sonic series, but his features have always verged into caricature territory. With the advanced tint of high definition, the juxtaposition between realism and animated fantasy is jarring, to say the least. The NPCs exaggerating their interactions with Sonic in such goofy fashions like rapidly flapping their gums and flailing their arms with the drama of an angry Italian doesn’t lower their personhood to Sonic’s realm of animation: it just looks like they might be affected by a gas leak that’s permeating around the city.

The uncanniness of the human NPCs is mostly confined to the game’s hub world. An attribute from the first Sonic Adventure returns, and I would’ve been delighted as a kid because I found the freeform environment of the three hubs to be one of the most engaging aspects of the debut 3D Sonic title–even though they’re all kind of bland in retrospect. However, the generic nature of Station Square and the Mystic Ruins is admirable in its simplicity. Another evolving factor of 3D Sonic that is also rather unsavory is that the series has become a bit pretentious with polygons allowing them to tell weightier stories with an elevated narrative scope. The grandiose spectacle of the opening cutscene has often been compared to Final Fantasy in ridicule, but I’ve been comparing 3D Sonic to Square’s extravagantly overblown JRPG series ever since Shadow sulked his way into Sonic Adventure 2. Soleanna, the primary setting of Sonic ‘06, is another example of the series reaching for something out of its element. This Euro-inspired metropolis with Venetian Gothic architecture shares a strong resemblance to the real-world city of Venice located in northeastern Italy, and this particular urban area is renowned for its seductive atmosphere. It’s a picturesque paradise perfect for a honeymoon or any other romantic getaway. Is Sega suggesting that romance is a key component to Sonic ‘06 considering the sumptuous environment with canals galore that he finds himself in? I’ll wager that if Sonic gives into feelings of twitterpation, the target of his passion will not be Amy Rose. Sega, no one will think Sonic is a devilish casanova if he dicks down that human princess girl. Stop it. Your attempts to facilitate this outcome are as laughably awkward as when Attack of the Clones borrowed the same Venice-esque setpieces to blossom Anakin and Padme’s shoehorned relationship. Even if the developers never intended for love to permeate through the air, Soleanna’s ornate architecture still clashes with Sonic’s animated aesthetic as sharply as its human denizens. Maybe Soleanna bothers me because navigating through it trying to find the right objective is as unclear as the water in the Baltimore harbor. Where’s the Tikal energy ball when you actually need it?

But everything I’ve criticized Sonic ‘06 on so far has been nothing short of fastidious nitpicking. Every aspect of the game I discuss from here on out will get into the nitty gritty of why Sonic ‘06 is as critically castigated as it is, listing all of the aspects that made me want to castrate myself for ever considering purchasing this piece of shit game. Frankly, I don’t have a clue which list item to start with because the flaws of Sonic ‘06 are far too numerous and equally as vexing. I guess my first point of contention is with the abysmally long loading screens, for they’re an immediately noticeable issue as soon as Sonic encounters Tails a few seconds after the opening sequence ends. To test the absurd pause time of these loading screens, I went upstairs to use the bathroom in order to see if the game would still be loading when I returned. It HAD loaded, but the fact that I was confident enough that I’d have wasted zero time in my brief absence is a clear enough indication that the game’s buffering periods will have the player checking their watch/phone clock and stamp their feet with impatience as Sonic used to do back he was depicted with 16-bits graphics. These swathes of buffering also occur at every conceivable intermittent moment throughout the game, whether it be when Sonic reaches another section of a level or cycling through sub-mission requests assigned by the NPCs. Having to sit through TWO ungodly long loading screens in the process of reaching a simple side quest is ludicrous. Constantly implementing these prolonged sequences of inactivity subtly suggests that the game is struggling to keep up with the HD standard of its console like a fat chronic smoker after walking for more than a minute. As par for the course regarding an infamously atrocious game, Sonic ‘06 is naturally overflowing with glitches like a swarm of maggots infesting a corpse. These glitches include, but are certainly not limited to; Sonic continuing to perform the oscillating wildly animation when he runs into something while running precariously, tripping on inexplicable objects that awkwardly halt Sonic’s movement, Sonic freezing when he’s meets an unagreeable angle on the field, and countless instances of collapsing through the game’s fragile foundation into a wormhole of oblivion. I’ve yet to encounter any of the glitches that either Sonic Adventure title has been rumored to be rife with, but encountering bugs that break Sonic ‘06 is as commonplace as finding actual bugs in the humid swamps of the Everglades.

In what is either out of genuine delight or a coping mechanism at play, the varied array of bugs and glitches that plague Sonic ‘06 are a source of amusement for the more optimistic Sonic fans, laughing at the game for its litany of glaring issues like a shoddy B-movie. I, on the other hand, cannot join the cackling crowd treating their experiences with this game like it’s Mystery Science Theater because all of the flaws of Sonic ‘06 were busy beating me senseless. On a deeper fundamental level past the comedic visual glitches lies their absolute fracturing of Sonic’s controls and how he interacts with his environment. Whereas the controls of fellow maligned 3D Sonic game Shadow the Hedgehog suffered from slipping all over the place like an ice rink, the general controls of Sonic ‘06 are beleaguered by the opposite issue. Sonic feels as stiff as an overdose of Viagra pills, moving with the fluidity and grace of a paraplegic mannequin. Besides the uncomfortable restraint of his general movement, every homing attack knocks the wind out of Sonic and grinds his momentum to a screeching halt. Trying to hop from a grind rail to another one directly beside it will only result in Sonic jumping as he normally would and flying off into the abyss, and any snowboarding segment operates on a plain removed from the rational rules of physics. Precision is somehow more paramount to Sonic’s gameplay than in any previous outing, as colliding with walls or other parallel surfaces during those automated speed sequences will often result in immediate death. The roller coaster loops that have served as joyous set pieces of Sonic’s terrain since the early days on the Genesis now instill feelings of stress and worry in the player, for it’s uncertain if Sonic will careen off the track at any point while in this adrenalized instance of hectic acceleration. Actually, any instance of a spring bounce, speed booster, or any other Sonic trope where the trajectory is determined by the game is a leap of faith risking Sonic’s life–a roll of the dice where “snake eyes” is too likely an outcome to impress a sense of security. To the game’s credit, the level design for most acts offers multifaceted gameplay routes which indicate the depth of a bonafide Sonic experience. However, the additional proficiency needed to verge onto the alternate way to victory isn’t worth exercising because the faulty mechanics are a handicap that hinders the player’s heightened skill ceiling. I recommend taking the simple route in any of these levels just to ensure absolute safety.

The one recurring gameplay mode in Sonic ‘06 that encapsulates all of the aforementioned shortcomings into the pinnacle of broken bullshit is the speed sections. At the climactic point of a few levels, Sonic will proverbially unshackle his restraints used for platforming and engage his maximum velocity to its fullest extent. It sounds absolutely electric on paper, but this untethered display of Sonic’s full potential is downright perilous in every way imaginable thanks to the game’s ramshackle status. Directing Sonic through a level at a moderate pace during manual control in Sonic ‘06 is challenging enough, so imagine how furious the flairs of frustration are when the player is expected to navigate him around obstacles with his brakes cut. The obstacles in question are littered all over the field with hardly any legroom to dart around. Multiple obstacles in succession will only expose that invulnerability windows are another requisite that the game neglected to implement. Jumping over an obstacle situated on the ground should be the correct course of action, but Sonic’s hops are subdued by the unmitigated velocity of his turbo-charge which usually results in scrapping his ankle and having his rings erupt as a result. Sonic also can’t alter the course of his movement while jumping, so expect to watch in agony as he charges headfirst into his demise due to his rigidity. These sections will also shift the perspective of the camera abruptly and expect the player to assimilate to this swift adjustment in a flash or suffer dire consequences. I’d comment that these sections feel as if Jesus is taking the wheel, but Satan is the only appropriately nasty and sadistic enough divine entity that would purposefully verge the player in these disastrous directions. I’ve never been glad to experience lag while playing a video game before. When faced with these vulgar, unhinged displays of Sonic’s maximum speed, I clench my body with a nerve-racking discomfort and uncertain anxiety as I would while anticipating a thorough cavity search, and I’m not referring to the ones conducted at the dentist. All of the botched aspects of Sonic ‘06’s mechanics inadvertently turn it into the most difficult Sonic game to date, but these sections in particular sink the game even deeper into unplayable territory.

If you’re under the impression that these HD consoles still couldn’t contain the lightning-fast might of the blue blur despite their supposed advanced hardware capabilities, the distinctive mechanics of Sonic’s stupid friends will prove that Sonic ‘06 is a comprehensively abysmal experience. Again, Sonic ‘06 reintroduces another gameplay attribute from the Sonic Adventure games I adored with the playability of multiple characters. With my adult hindsight leading me to conclude that every other secondary character in that game (except maybe E-102) was lackluster compared to Sonic, imagine how that dynamic works in a game where playing as the titular character is torturous. During progress points of certain levels, the game will swap the central role of playability from Sonic to either of his Team Sonic friends. The transition between characters tends to be quite hasty, so be prepared to unwittingly lose a life or two due to the sudden change. The fluttering of Tails’ two namesake mutations sure does make a lot of noise considering all of the propulsion amounts to accelerating him at the leisurely pace of a parade float. The player might be inclined to jump through the airborne hoops to boost Tails while he flies as they did in the first Sonic Adventure but now, avoiding the rings altogether is the wiser decision because attempting to aim Tails through the hoop feels as repellent as attempting to connect magnets of the same charge. What strikes me and several others as odd regarding Tails in Sonic ‘06 is that his primary attack method is expelling ring canisters and tossing them at enemies. When has a character ever used the currency or health item associated with their franchise as a projectile weapon? Whenever the developers stopped caring, obviously. As far as Sonic’s red friend is concerned, his array of maneuvers is more recognizable but they have been soiled all the same by the game’s fractured foundation. Knuckles couldn’t even swat a mosquito on his arm considering his pitiful punch range, and he has a habit of sinking his pointy fists too deep into the walls and getting stuck as a result. I was fortunate enough to never experience this fluke, but the infamous moment from when Game Grumps played this game speaks for itself. Elise is also involved during a selection of action stages, but she only serves to subdue Sonic’s abilities when he has her clutched in his protecting arms. Her contribution to the gameplay that relieves her as a steel ball that chains and drags Sonic is that she creates an orange forcefield encompassing the two, which prevents Sonic from drowning in either water or quicksand. The protective orb looks like a cheap visual effect achieved from the free version of the simplest editing software. What exactly ignites Elise’s ability here anyway? The power of love? Gag me with a fucking spoon, Sega. I’m not as critical about incorporating multiple characters into the fray compared to the zealous Sonic fans, but I always keep in mind that they’re always going to be inferior to the titular character. When Sonic is struggling to this unprecedented extent, one can imagine that the meager alternatives with their own slew of problems are unwelcome.

In terms of the narrative, perhaps Sonic needs all of the assistance he can scrounge up to conquer the conflict of what is the grandest Sonic story ever told. If you thought that Sonic ‘06 was a by-the-books hero arc with a damsel in distress, wait until the layers of this narrative onion unfold. Unfortunately, the thickest folds of this metaphor consist of a sensitive thematic construct that tends to crumble if not given the proper consideration: time travel. This core aspect of this game’s story becomes relevant when Sonic and friends are transported by a time machine created by Eggman to Soleanna in the distant future, an apocalyptic urban hellscape flooded with lava and searing flame tornadoes called “Crisis City.” When the context behind the opening sequence is revealed, we learn that the “treasure” Eggman needs the chaos emeralds to unlock is the concentrated power of the sun God Solaris. Elise isn’t integral to achieving this goal, but she has a grim, yet vital insight regarding Eggman’s diabolical ambitions due to her father inadvertently killing himself trying to harness the power of Solaris a few years prior. Receiving an up close and personal look at Soleanna’s destitute future reveals that the stakes are dire and that Eggman’s trifling with forces beyond his element will be cataclysmic. Sonic’s pursuit in stopping the mad doctor is mostly a series of playing catch with him using Elise as the makeshift ball, losing her as quickly as he recovers her from Eggman’s clutches. Eventually, their little game of keepaway reaches a stalemate when Eggman’s callback Egg Carrier careens out of the sky with Elise on board. To negate her untimely death, the aggrieved Sonic uses the time travel properties of the chaos emeralds to revert to the moment where he catches Eggman’s starship and flees the wreckage with Elise intact. Obviously, the climax of Sonic interfering with the space- time continuum is intended to evoke feelings of relief and triumph after a scene of devastation, but even an earned moment of romance between Sonic and Elise still makes me wince. Eggman acts as if she’s ultimately superfluous to his master plan, so why didn’t the developers adopt the same attitude and drop her once the greater context of the scenario was revealed? Is Sonic getting his rocks off a new essential plot point that will persist from here on out?

Admittedly, Sonic’s arc doesn’t stray too far from the initial goal of protecting his taboo new boo from his arch-rival. However, if one reads carefully, I did technically state that the story of Sonic ‘06 superseded the triangle of interest between Sonic, Elise, and Eggman. What I did not disclose was that Sonic’s story is a mere third(ish) of the game’s entirety, so the player is far from out of the proverbial woods if they manage to conquer Sonic’s campaign. No, the greater scope of the game’s narrative is fleshed out with two other campaigns with two separate protagonists at the helm. Because the ending of Sonic Adventure 2 has been retconned continuously at this point to where I wonder if it’s even canon anymore, Shadow returns as the forefront protagonist of one the game’s major story arcs. Instead of chronically rescuing a princess and doing dirty things with her, the focal point of Shadow’s story is a figure named Mephiles. During the experiments that resulted in the death of Elise’s father, Solaris was divided into two separate manifestations, one being Mephiles and Iblis the other. Both of them have an ID and ego type of dynamic. During a scuffle with Eggman, the breaking of a mythical artifact called the “Scepter of Darkness” releases Mephiles, who proceeds to model his corporeal form after Shadow sans his mouth. A copycat isn’t a coincidence, for Mephiles’ speaking of his wishes to destroy humanity mirrors Shadow’s attitude to the point of mockery. Sonic’s unbridled positivity was never going to convince Shadow to turn the other cheek, as the only way for the black hedgehog to see the error of his ways is to echo his misanthropic disposition right back at him. Mephiles is surprisingly a better Shadow antagonist than Black Doom ever was, or at least if we are to trust that Shadow’s evil adversaries should prompt him into embracing his moral side as the hero he is perceived to be. Still, I wish the time travel component to the overall story didn’t complicate the intricacies behind the relationship between Shadow and Mephiles.

I’ve made my distaste for Sonic’s edgy doppelganger abundantly clear when I discussed previous titles in the series where he makes an appearance, so one would think that prolonging this excruciating experience with him sharing the forefront with Sonic particularly ruffles my feathers. To my surprise, Shadow’s campaign is slightly more favorable to Sonic’s because the developers have highlighted attributes of his gameplay other than speed. Shadow’s campaign is more action-oriented, littering the screen with dozens of enemies per block of a level. Shadow may not be packing heat as he was in his self-titled outing, but a “chaos blast” will effectively deplete the health bars of all enemies in its radius–making him more suitable for stomping out enemies than Sonic. Vehicles are a returning aspect of Shadow’s gameplay from his eponymous game, and the buggy, hovercraft, hang glider, and motorcycle are all unified by Shadow’s black and red color scheme despite their varied utility. Controlling them is marginally more responsive than when Shadow had the entirety of the screen time, but there is still a rudimentary quality to their acceleration that feels underdeveloped. If Sega showcased an interactive “museum” like Insomniac tends to do, riding around in these vehicles feels comparable to the rough drafts of their development that are presented as a lark. Like the quasi-Team Sonic reunion, Rogue and Omega complete Team Dark as secondary characters in Shadow’s campaign. Rogue is beset by the same glitchy climbing mechanics as Knuckles, but at least Omega’s projectiles are fitting for his character not like Tails. The improvements of Shadow’s campaign to Sonic’s are ultimately marginal, and it’s probably the more favorable one because Shadow doesn’t drive me insane with speed sections.

The last piece of Sonic ‘06’s story is unfolded through the sole series debutant Silver the Hedgehog. Unlike Sonic and Shadow who are commissioned to reside in Soleanna due to Eggman mucking about, Silver is a Soleanna native. However, he’s a citizen of Soleanna’s dismal, infernal future, which is why he pulls a John Conner and transports himself two centuries into the past to retroactively prevent what doomed his city. At first, he travels back in time with a similar objective to the T-1000, for he was manipulated by Mephiles into thinking that Sonic is the “Iblis Trigger” and strives to kill him. His confusion also results in a boss battle that stands as one of the most notorious moments of fractured fuckery in a game bursting at the seams with them. When he realizes he’s been duped and stops antagonizing Sonic, Silver alters his focus to vanquishing the actual Iblis and assisting Sonic with the time travel process whenever it’s necessary. Really, the core of the game’s overarching conflict resides with Silver’s story arc in the grand scheme of things, which is why I invested more of my attention in his campaign as opposed to the narrative lollygagging and confusing convolutions the previous two campaigns were rife with.

Despite his arc showcasing the most interesting extrapolation of the game’s events, I still couldn’t attach any personal fondness for Silver. If every hedgehog character the series introduces is intended to contrast Sonic in some way shape or form, Silver lacks Sonic’s cool charisma similar to Shadow. However, Silver is a goober instead of a brooding grouch. I don’t know whether the whiny voice acting is to blame, but the impassioned naivety of Silver comes across more as an ubergeek larping than an endearing, intrepid hero. Altogether, the hedgehog protagonist trio encompasses douchey, edgy, and dorky in an unholy trinity of cringe. In terms of his gameplay, Silver uses his psychokinetic powers in combat to lift objects like crates and fling them at enemies. The developers evidently noticed in the development process that Silver’s extraordinary abilities conflicted with the tension of combat, so they thought it wise for Silver to use his gift for moving things with his mind in the vein of puzzles. Silver’s brain teasers aren’t as consistently aggravating as Sonic’s speed sections, but one particular ball puzzle during his version of the “Dusty Desert” level is so demanding and unyielding that players commonly exploit phasing glitches to circumvent having to humor it. I, unfortunately, discovered that I never had the makings of a varsity speedrunner and had to masterfully calculate the force and trajectory of Silver’s psychokinetic pushes like a good boy. Even though Silver exists in an era beyond any other Sonic character’s mortal limits, Amy and Blaze the Cat from Sonic Rush accompany him on his quest to extinguish Iblis. I’m sure some Sonic fans will argue that Blaze being a futuristic contemporary to Silver contradicts her placement in the Sonic timeline, but I don’t give a shit. Anyway, Amy is the most sluggish out of all nine playable characters and Blaze operates like a more adroit version of Sonic. Silver’s campaign is, for the most part, the stand-out among the rest. Still, this bar is so low that not even an ant could limbo under it.

For the first time in the series, Sonic is neither the most savory nor significant figure in one of his many titles. This is probably why the developers felt no qualms about murdering the blue blur at the hands of Mephiles in the game’s final act. Elise may not be vital to Eggman’s plans, but executing her newfound love in cold blood is emotionally injurious enough to make Elise cry crocodile tears and release Iblis as a result–a cunning component of Mephiles’ scheme. Acquiring all seven chaos emeralds is also a factor in Mephiles’ plan to merge himself with Iblis to re-emerge as a wrathful Solaris ready to wipe humanity off the map. Drastic circumstances call for more manpower, which includes every other playable character in the fray for the (supposedly) grand finale of Sonic ‘06. As fittingly epic as the framing of this finale is, the idea of enduring a gauntlet of eight levels in succession with only five lives is excruciating. In execution, several characters such as Amy and Silver cannot outrun the swirling vortex of the time portals, and the sheer length of such an endeavor connotes that there are quite a bit of tidbits to memorize through failure. All of the elements of this finale aren’t as much of a stinging slap to the face as Sonic’s speed sections, but the amount of content the player must undergo without a breather is sure to cause a hefty amount of duress. Sonic is resurrected and shares his Super Sonic powers with Shadow and Silver to douse the demigod Solaris, and Elise sacrifices her memories of Sonic to prevent Solaris from ever becoming a threat to mankind. Off the record, I wish I could blow Elise away from existence so I wouldn’t have to stomach Sonic’s puppy love butterflies at every turn. Did they ever realize that Shadow and Silver have more stake in this story than he does?

I would like a formal apology from everyone who candidly shat on both Sonic Adventure games (and Sonic Heroes to a lesser extent) when I was a child. Sure, these rude comments were made before the release of Sonic ‘06, but the roaring holocaust of unspeakable, visceral horror that is Sonic ‘06 makes all of the quirky hiccups of the previous Sonic games seem like silly little quibbles in comparison. I don’t think there is a more appropriate video game comparable to the Hindenburg disaster, a bombastic display of ultra-modern technology exploding in a shocking inferno and leaving everyone awestruck at the glorious spectacle of failure. Whether it be the glitches deciding when I died, the scrambled, obtuse plot branches, the loading screens that spanned the length of a short film, or those godforsaken speed sections, I felt like I was being pinned down and sodomized at every waking moment. Do you want to know what the sad part is? Underneath all the bloated, asymmetrical, and inexcusable layers of dirt lies a solid 3D Sonic experience if the level designs and surface-level ambitions are anything to go by. My guess is that Sega put all their eggs into the game coinciding with Sonic’s fifteenth anniversary to such a great extent that they couldn’t wait another year for Sonic’s sweet sixteenth, releasing the game in its rough draft format before the developers had the chance to undergo whatever the game developer equivalent of the editing process is. Due to Sega’s impatience, hubris, greed, and total anathema for their fans, they’ve condemned what could’ve possibly been the greatest Sonic game by all contexts of the word to an embarrassing, smelly stain on the franchise that will never wash out. May God have mercy on your souls, Sega.