Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts Review

 (Originally published to Glitchwave on 10/2/2023)

[Image from igdb.com]

Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts

Developer: Capcom

Publisher: Capcom

Genre(s): 2D Platformer

Platforms: SNES

Release Date: October 4, 1991

Dark Souls is for pussies.

Put that quote as my gravestone’s epitaph, all 400+ of them that I amassed while playing Super Ghouls ‘n Ghosts.

Bubsy 3D Review

 (Originally published to Glitchwave on 9/27/2022)

[Image from igdb.com]

Bubsy 3D

Developer: Eidetic

Publisher: Accolade

Genre(s): 3D Platformer

Platforms: PS1

Release Date: November 25, 1996

I couldn't think of anything succinct or constructive to say about this legendary piece of shit, so here’s me spitballing my stream of consciousness on Bubsy 3D:

“I take back every criticism I gave to Super Mario 64. Mario’s first 3D outing may look like a Rankin Bass production, but it looks divine compared to the Klasky Csupo fever dream here that I could have done a better job at programming.”

“I could move more fluidly than Bubsy if I was hit by a semi-truck and had a Redwood branch shoved up my ass through every subsequent physical therapy session.”

“Is Bubsy voiced by Roseanne Barr? No wonder everyone hates her.”

“Those accolades on the box on some of the most hilariously bullshit or misquoted blurbs I’ve ever seen. Did the guys who wrote those get fired and or bullied into suicide for giving this game the only praise it ever got? Edit: they are both still alive and healthy, family men, but they should still be ashamed of themselves.”

“Ooooh, I get it! It’s supposed to be the dadaist version of Super Mario 64. Very clever, guys. Nice use of irony.”

“The Charlotte Bobcats must have changed their name to make damn sure that they would never be associated with Bubsy, lest they suffer from more humiliation.”

“This game makes Custer’s Revenge tasteful by comparison. That game might have raped indigenous women, but Bubsy 3D raped every one of our senses.”

“Sony must have bombed so hard with this game that they spent the next two console generations compensating for it by offering a myriad of solid 3D platformer franchises, the clear winner over Nintendo overall. In that case, thank you, Bubsy 3D.”

Actually, no. Fuck you, Bubsy 3D. You make me (literally) sick.

flOw Review

 (Originally published to Glitchwave on 1/1/2022)

[Image from glitchwave.com]

flOW

Developer: Jenova Chen, Nicholas Clark

Publisher: Jenova Chen, Nicholas Clark

Genre(s): Simulation

Platforms: PC, PS3

Release Date: April 14, 2006

Sometime in high school, I found a friend of mine playing this game on his laptop. He went to take a piss and what I saw on his laptop perplexed me. I didn’t know that this was a video game and thought it was rather odd that my friend was staring at his screensaver. I slightly brushed his laptop mouse with my finger to see what he was really doing, but the screensaver did not go away. The persistent screensaver befuddled me as I tapped the mouse key with slight fervor. My friend returned and tilted his head with confusion like a German shepherd dog. “Oh yeah, that’s flOw man. It’s pretty fuckin’ sick dude”, my friend said followed by a slight cough. I realized that my friend was on some serious drugs and needed help…

Nah, that story isn’t true. I just wanted to set up a clever scenario to tell the joke that flOw is nothing more than a pretty screensaver.

Sonic R Review

 (Originally published to Glitchwave on 11/11/2021)

[Image from igdb.com]

Sonic R

Developer: Sonic Team, Traveller's Tales

Publisher: Sega

Genre(s): Racing

Platforms: Saturn

Release Date: November 18, 1997

(In the tune of Can You Feel the Sunshine)

♫ Can you see?
This game is really shitty.
It gives me a migraine,
so shitty!
It makes me wanna die.
The graphics
they look so unfinished
It’s like Bubsy 3D,
but it’s worse,
It began the 3D Sonic curse!

Can you feel they half-assed?
This garbage Sonic racing game
One would think it would be hard
To fuck up to this degree
Considering that Sonic
Is built just for speed
This could’ve been a great game
But they swindled the budget!

Feel the garbage

The controls,
there are so many holes
They botched this aspect too!
The characters move,
Like slipping through puddles
Don’t know why
They all insist to slide
Extinguishing my pride,
in Sonic
It’s only getting worse from here!

Can you feel they half-assed?
This garbage Sonic racing game
One would think it would be hard
To fuck up to this degree
That Tails Doll creepypasta
Cannot save this game
Neither that nor this song
Cause it’s so goddamn corny!

When Sonic gets stuck
I feel so damn frustrated
Wish I could back up
Instead of turning like a slug

Can you feel it?
Ooh-hoo…
Can you feel it?
Oh…

Lack of effort?
Oh…
Lack of effort!

Can you feel they half-assed?
This garbage Sonic racing game (garbage racing game)
One would think it would be hard
To fuck up to this degree (fucked up bad)
Considering that Sonic
Is built just for speed
This could’ve been a great game
But they swindled the budget!

Can you feel they half-assed (Can you feel it?)
This garbage Sonic racing game (garbage racing game)
One would think it would be hard
To fuck up to this degree (fucked up bad)
That Tails Doll creepypasta (creepypasta)
Cannot save this game
Neither that nor this song
Cause it’s so goddamn corny!

Whoa-oh-oh-oh
Piss you off, it may
Never play this game…
Pissed off, you’ll be pissed off
An embarrassment
I say fuck this game! ♫

Flower Review

 (Originally published to Glitchwave on 7/1/2021)

[Image from glitchwave.com]

Flower

Developer: thatgamecompany

Publisher: Sony Interactive Entertainment

Genre(s): Adventure

Platforms: PS3

Release Date: February 12, 2009

Flower is the video game equivalent of the plastic bag metaphor from American Beauty. Whether you found it moving and beautiful or stupid and contrived will directly reflect your opinion on this game. Personally, it had its moments of glory, but I can’t help but chuckle at the fact that the developers of this game tried to bite off more than it could chew here in terms of the level of depth they tried to achieve here.

Action 52 Review

 (Originally published to Glitchwave on 5/12/2021)

[Image from igdb.com]

Action 52

Developer: FarSight Studios

Publisher: Active Enterprises

Genre(s): ???

Platforms: NES, Genesis

Release Date: 1991

I imagine that the appeal of this game was more for the parents than the children. With 52 games at a reasonable price of $199, they probably thought that this was the economic solution for purchasing video games. They figured that this collection would last them a lifetime of entertainment and that they could get out of buying video games for them in the future. Little did they know, the entire NES library is more appealing than EVERY single game in this collection.

Every kid who purchased this game back in the ’90s should be eligible for reparations.

Lester the Unlikely Review

 (Originally published to Glitchwave on 4/27/21)

[Image from igdb.com]

Lester the Unlikely

Developer: Visual Concepts Entertainment

Publisher: DTMC

Genre(s): 2D Platformer

Platforms: SNES

Release Date: January 1, 1994

I'll admit, it's a fairly interesting concept. Having a video game protagonist in a platformer that doesn't have superpowers, guns, or any other extraordinary abilities is unorthodox, especially for the 16-bit era. However, in executing that gimmick, it's UNLIKELY that this game was going to be exemplary. It almost verges on being purposefully bad. Lester is incredibly fragile and controlling him feels like shit. His movement has to be meticulously executed or else he'll get hurt, mostly from the amount of jumping you'll do. It's like the developers had the players in mind when making this game as if YOU were in a platforming game with nothing but the shirt on your back. Isn't this a tad presumptuous, Visual Concepts? What do you take me for? You'd never catch me running away from a fucking turtle.

Angry Video Game Nerd Adventures Review

 (Originally published to Glitchwave on 3/16/2021)

[Image from igdb.com]

Angry Video Game Nerd Adventures

Developer: FreakZone Games

Publisher: ScrewAttack Entertainment

Genre(s): 2D Platformer

Platforms: PC, Wii U, 3DS

Release Date: September 20, 2013

Who knew that when he said he was going to take us back to the past to play some shitty games that suck ass, he meant his own video games as well?

*Ba Dum tsss*

No, but seriously, this game is more of a case of frustrating bullshit than any game the AVGN has played on the show. I get it; it’s bullshit because it takes properties from games featured on the show, but all those games are bad. Why the hell would anyone put up with a mishmash of them just because it has AVGN on it? The novelty wears off quickly.

Ghosts n' Goblins Review

 (Originally published to Glitchwave on 11/24/2020)

[Image from igdb.com]

Ghosts 'n Goblins

Developer: Capcom

Publisher: Capcom

Genre(s): 2D Platformer

Platforms: Arcade, NES

Release Date: September 19, 1985

Things that are easier than completing the 1985 NES game Ghosts and Goblins:

- punching through a brick wall with your bare fists
- cutting a speeding bullet in mid-air with a butter knife
- swimming across the Atlantic Ocean to Europe
- finding peace in the Middle East
- having sex with every model on a Sport's Illustrated Swimsuit calendar within a year
- convincing Valve to make Half-Life 3
- reuniting The Smiths for a reunion tour
- licking your elbow

Journey Review

 (Originally published to Glitchwave on 9/4/2020)

[Image from igdb.com]

Journey

Developer: thatgamecompany

Publisher: Sony Interactive Entertainment

Genre(s): Adventure

Platforms: PS3

Release Date: March 13, 2012

I've had walks through my neighborhood that were longer and more gratifying than this "Journey."